Untangling My Restless Soul

 I woke up in a pretty good mood today, though still too lazy to start my day properly, so I’d say my energy levels were somewhere in the middle. After finishing my job, I took a bath and had breakfast. My cat was sitting by the window, staring outside, so I sat behind her and watched the leaves swaying on the trees. I kept thinking about what my therapist told me yesterday—to spend more time in nature because it helps calm the mind. At first, I felt like, How can nature elevate my mood? It’s all just blandishment. But after a few minutes of quietly watching the leaves, I actually started to feel calm. Then my elder sister interrupted me, asking me to cook. I was about to, but she didn’t want what I planned to make. I ended up shouting my way out of the situation and cooked what she wanted. I was annoyed, but thankfully it didn’t turn into a fight. While cutting the green vegetables, I noticed they made me feel calm too. Maybe there really is something about the color green that so...

 Am I actually depressed? Or is the psychologist playing with my mind? Yes, I agree that I’m having trouble dealing with my emotions. I get triggered easily, I cry, I overthink so much that my mind becomes overloaded, and only then does it calm down. I can’t focus on life, I can’t concentrate on things. But maybe all of this is just a phase in life, right? What if it’s normal? Am I sabotaging myself? Or am I using this “depression” to cover up my laziness—hiding behind it so that I can stay in my comfort zone without being judged? Even when I used to have chronic pains, I would still get up and study so I could raise my standards. But now everything has just shut down. What does this actually mean? I thought self-talk would solve my problems. I can see my flaws and my good qualities, but I still can’t help myself overcome whatever is happening that makes me this sad, unmotivated person. I can’t step out of my comfort zone. I know I can’t stay in this zone forever. But I wish that i...

Today was… a lot. I woke up, did my routine, had breakfast, and waited for my appointment — a little excited, honestly, to finally find out whether I have ADHD or not. In the morning, I glanced through The Mountain Is You. A few lines hit me so deeply that I told myself I’d read the whole book after cleaning the house. But then, something unexpected happened. I was diagnosed with clinical depression today. And even though the session was only 45 minutes, I’m not fully convinced a therapist can make such a big diagnosis so quickly. After that session, I had an incident at home that completely triggered me. My elder sister’s behaviour — something very small on the surface — stirred up so much inside me. She wanted me to do some cleaning. She even booked a maid, so most of the work was already handled. But I just don’t like working alongside a maid who doesn’t know how I prefer things. Yet somehow, my sister became the villain in my story. Why? Why do I get so triggered? Why does my mind ...